The suggestions below are not perfect. I hope you wrote better improvements. The lesson is, “Don’t get ready to think about the possibility of having your character do something. Go directly to meaningful action.
Bill was just beginning to read his book when the phone started ringing,
In this revision, I replace two passive verbs: “beginning to read” and “started ringing.”
Bill opened his book as/when the phone rang.
Or, is it important that Bill “just” started to read?
The phone startled Bill, and he settled his marker deep in the page.
Notice in this version there is no need to say “When the phone rang, Bill…” The ringing initiated all that followed.
When I got to the airship and stepped on board…
becomes:
I stepped onto the deck of the airship.
Or, give the reader more visual cues with a descriptive verb:
I clambered up on the deck of the airship. (leaped, jumped, stumbled)
As Linda came into the room…
becomes:
Linda came.
Or, to use a descriptive verb:
Linda stepped, ran, or slipped, depending on what Linda is actually doing.
208 total views, 1 views today